According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
You Might Also Like
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too