According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

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– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.


“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God


I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes


Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?


20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed


Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”


I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I’m having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.


Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news


Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.