According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?