– Baby, I just want everything to be like it was at the beginning.
– When we first met?
– No, before that.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
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“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I’m having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.