I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
You Might Also Like
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.