I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
According to this tray of lasagne, I’m a family of 4.
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.
Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Superman: Who’s gonna be Batman?
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.