If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
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I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Twilight drinking game rules:
1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.