@KevinFarzad

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

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@Deirdreocx

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

@hippocroteez

I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.

@jessokfine

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

@WhatevaConc

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

@ericsshadow

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

@chickenmclovin

Twilight drinking game rules:

1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.

@philmann

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

@JohnFugelsang

Welcome to America, where the politicians we dislike ‘flip-flop on issues’ but the politicians we like ‘evolve.’

@PlainTravis

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels