According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
You Might Also Like
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?