Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet