According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

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When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.


I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.


ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit


DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want
ME: imma be a hamster
D: ok not that
M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*


[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!


You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma


Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.


Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand