@Cpin42

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

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@daddydoubts

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

@BlackTurnsBlue

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

@Brampersandon_

DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want
ME: imma be a hamster
D: ok not that
M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*

@jaxwax04

[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:

M: will you please just take medicine??

H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??

M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!

@stockejock

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

@citizenkawala

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

@causticbob

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand