Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
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Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Mmmm. Shoeshi
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Seems legit
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*