i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Got him!
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]