Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
🤣dope
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…