Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
i was baptized in a car wash
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me