account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
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I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.