“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”