i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Willy Wonka: what
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Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”
Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.