@ArfMeasures

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

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@rachelle_mandik

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

@david8hughes

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

@TheMichaelRock

If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.

@bylinetd

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

@HatfieldAnne

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

@3sunzzz

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

@PJTLynch

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

@Be___Dope

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

@Darlainky

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

@2browneyedboys

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.