Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
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The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.