Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
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Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?