accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Our lord and savoury.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now