I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
You Might Also Like
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much