@omgthatspunny

Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

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@WilliamAder

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

@LeonInNewJersey

My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.

@MandiAtRandom

“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light

@deardilettante

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

@Boleyngirly

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

@OfficeofSteve

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

@P_o_n_k

BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT