Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

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If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.


My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.


“Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light


The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.


Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.


Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.


Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth


BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT