Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.