THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
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How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,