@Cerberustic

‘Achoo, Brute?’ – Cnaesar

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@tat2dsoccermom

So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Why are your eyes closed? I’m trying to talk to you.

9: Because in my mind, a cake is saying it. A red velvet cake.

@imteddybless

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

@FeverFlave

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

@Blondrbomber

When I see crying children and miserable parents- I run to the bathroom, crush up my birth control, and snort it.

@UncleDuke1969

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: drink 2 cups of water before each meal

Me: why?

D: it tricks your stomach into thinking its full

M: that sounds like a mean trick

@david8hughes

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die