“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Probably my best painting.