@Cerberustic

‘Achoo, Brute?’ – Cnaesar

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@njlitigator

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

@UncleDuke1969

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

@TheTweetOfGod

McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.

@_LUMP

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@SondraDeeMe

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

@ColoradoUgly

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

@space0tter

Date

*pulls out clipboard*
“Name?”
“Uh.. Beth.”
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“No”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”
“What’s that?”
*drops clipboard*

@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon