Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
‘Achoo, Brute?’ – Cnaesar
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“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
*Catches the dead body at the wedding*
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*pulls out clipboard*
“Ok.. Check. Kids?”
“Check. Club Penguin username?”
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon