The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.