ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein