@wyatt_privilege: acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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@daemonic3: [working in garage] "Hand me a screwdriver, son" A flat one? "No" [mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
@fro_vo: [shark tank] ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it SHARK: this is a waste of time ME: *waist
@cupcakelynda: A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they're my age then I find out they're OLD!! Like, THIRTY!! So I killed her.
@3sunzzz: My husband bought a steamer because I don't iron. I wonder how long it's going to take him to figure out that I don't steam?