ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
ME: My compliments to the chef
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
He’s never gonna let me down.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*