@wyatt_privilege

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

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@theSolemnBard

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

@Leemanish

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!

@blade_funner

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

@JillianKarger

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

@dreamthievin

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

@BastardProphet

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

@LnL245

I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.

@dreamthievin

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

@ValeeGrrl

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

@ehchino

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*