@wyatt_privilege: acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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@BlindChow: WIFE: he never compromises ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can't be both THERAPIST: (nodding) he's right
@kelkulus: If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with "My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless." #SOTU
@PJTLynch: Wife: Wow, I'm tired Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner [Five minutes later] Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"?
@bombfunk75: - Deletes FB account - Leaves Social Media - Moves to Himalayas - Pigeon comes with a note - Opens note - Candycrush request