What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth