acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*