Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

You Might Also Like


One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.


In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.


I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.


Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.


I say “fight me” a lot for a girl that’s 5’2″ and has a tough time opening some doors because they’re too heavy.


“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.


Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.


My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.


What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.


Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?