@MissHavisham

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

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@jakob_huber

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

@KMoFlo_official

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

@shanethevein

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

@ambienbabe

I say “fight me” a lot for a girl that’s 5’2″ and has a tough time opening some doors because they’re too heavy.

@SirEviscerate

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

@TomE83_

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

@JJSummertime

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

@Elizasoul80

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

@Tups13

Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I’m a mindreader now?