The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
🤣could you imagine
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?