acrylic nails are the best and worst things to ever happen. bagel right out the toaster? you can grab that shit like it’s not even hot. drop some quarters tho? keep walking that ain’t your change anymore

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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…


DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick


Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.


Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.


People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.


Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?


[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?


Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?


Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂

Prince: no problem. will u marry me


Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man