Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
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5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.