@kaydececchis

acrylic nails are the best and worst things to ever happen. bagel right out the toaster? you can grab that shit like it’s not even hot. drop some quarters tho? keep walking that ain’t your change anymore

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@TheToddWilliams

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

@juliussharpe

Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.

@Donna_McCoy

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

@_LUMP

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: My friend really likes you.
Her: I’m a lesbian.
Me: Ah ok…
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: So… What part of Lesbia are you from?

@Brampersandon_

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

@HomeProbably

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

@jazz_inmypants

Cinderella: thanks for finding my shoe 🙂

Prince: no problem. will u marry me

@normwilner

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man