Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
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Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
and now we wait
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.