Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
called in thicc to work this morning
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast