@SardonicTart

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

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@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

@TheHyyyype

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

@better_off_dad

*reading note from son:

‘Can I borrow your car later?’

*response:

‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’

@McGrumpenstein

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

@jtrulez

If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.

@JasonLastname

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

@princesscryanna

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

@iamspacegirl

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

@Jandalize

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

@bromanconsul

sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff