BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
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Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Son: mom did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?
Me: no, who?
Son: Reese something
Son: NO, with her knife! Hahaha
Me: ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ᴹᴱ