“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

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Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”


INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ???

INTERVIEWER: holy shit


[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*


Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.


Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.


My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.


Son: mom did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?

Me: no, who?

Son: Reese something

Me: Witherspoon??

Son: NO, with her knife! Hahaha

Me: ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ᴹᴱ