I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING