turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
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Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Huge, if true.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies