I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
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[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Wish all of my viruses were this polite