Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Lmfaoooooo
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.