When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
You Might Also Like
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
no
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Room with a view.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…