@garrettbarry70

‘Active’ shower gel because I have no idea what active smells like.

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@mollzbenn

Crazy how some people consider swimming to be a sport when the only alternative to it is drowning.

@adam_cook2014

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

@dlicj

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

@kellyoxford

7yr old daughter walked in the room, casually confirmed, “You have to have a backstory to why you’re evil, right?” And walked out.

@Marlebean

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

@BuckyIsotope

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.