Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
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Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
how to market bottled water to dads
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in