Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.