@markleggett: ACTORS: It's easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says "Did you see that?" say "Nope".
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@SnizzleFrizzle: My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.
@Parkerlawyer: Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?” Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
@atrout920: *During traffic stop Cop: "My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs." Me (pointing down): "You mean him?" C: "Yes, him!" M: "So your dog talks to you, and I'm the one who's high?" C: *Stun guns me*