@markleggett

ACTORS: It’s easy to appear blind. Look near but never at someone when you talk to them, and if anyone says “Did you see that?” say “Nope”.

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@ladybroseph

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@QwertyJones3

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

@SkinnerSteven

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

@PetrickSara

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

@SteveDutzy

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: u got like 8 hickeys. Mustve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@mc_funbags

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

@StephenAtHome

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

@StinkyGr33n

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm