Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
*walks into a wall*
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“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Give a woman a compliment and you’ll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she’ll feed someone else.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”