@Smooheed

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

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@krustythe_klown

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

@adult_keverage

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

@NotJPo

Give a woman a compliment and you’ll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she’ll feed someone else.

@bluebonetbabies

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

@ItsAndyRyan

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

@2tickytacky

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

@pakalupapito

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash

@cravin4

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

@OVO_Ty15

Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again

@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”