*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Art by Pastelkatto
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.