*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

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If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer


gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination


I typed “Cigarettes” in the search bar and it said “No Matches”.

The universe has spoken.


Marijuana doesn’t kill your brain cells. You’re just an idiot.


-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!


Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.


*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*cuts wires*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one


[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito


ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!


THANKSGIVING ICEBREAKERS: (1) Obama, am I right? (2) Ebola, am I right? (3) Was his full name Bugs Bunny or was he just a bunny named Bugs?