@Smooheed

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

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@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@RandomAntics

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

@Terdoh

I typed “Cigarettes” in the search bar and it said “No Matches”.

The universe has spoken.

@Jenny4ashley

Marijuana doesn’t kill your brain cells. You’re just an idiot.

@abbycohenwl

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

@murrman5

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

@Lance_Said_This

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

@jwoodham

THANKSGIVING ICEBREAKERS: (1) Obama, am I right? (2) Ebola, am I right? (3) Was his full name Bugs Bunny or was he just a bunny named Bugs?