No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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What personal space?
My dog
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
pelicons
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email