“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Usage Guidelines
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?