@Philosopherbing

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

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@EricGoldie

If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.

@Adam14

Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?

@daemonic3

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

@McNarstle

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

@PatsATweetin

The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

@Bratterina

-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge

@TheCatWhisprer

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

@Bearslietoo

There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.

@sageboggs

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad