Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

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If God is a DJ, life is a dance floor, and love is a rhythm, then you are on LSD.


Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?


My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.


Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?


The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet


-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge


Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.


There is no “i” in “team,” but there is a lot of “alcohol” in my “fridge” because I enjoy abusing my liver.


The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad