@Philosopherbing

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

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@pinupteacher

WAITER: Would you like any dessert?

DATE: No, just the ch-

ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@FloridaMan__

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

@Sassafrantz

Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

@thenatewolf

GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.

GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?

GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.

@SladeWentworth

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

@icrushedmyhalo

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@iGreenGod

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.