@JosephScrimshaw

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

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@Schmoodles

Toaster settings:

No.1: “I do nothing.”
No.2: “I do nothing.”
No.3: “I do nothing.”
No.4: “I SET BREAD ON FIRE!”

@TheWeirdWorld

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

@gabbazaba

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

@thelateinnings

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

@plumbur

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

@TheCatWhisprer

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!