Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
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Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Oh boy, $150,000!
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.