“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over


You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”


My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.


Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error


My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.


ok so when a guy marries four women does he wear four rings or just ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL?


Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fly headfirst into a plate glass window.


does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?