“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
You Might Also Like
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
What?!?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad: