@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@_troyjohnson

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

@delusions_of

My arm bone’s connected to my hand bone. My hand bone’s connected to a bacon cheeseburger.

@AbiWilks

Twitter is a cool place to have friendly, open conversations with a small group of people in front of hundreds of online enemies who’re watching intently for you to make some sort of screenshottable error

@RodLacroix

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

@AlisWay

ok so when a guy marries four women does he wear four rings or just ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL?

@ibid78

Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fly headfirst into a plate glass window.

@Roobots

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?