“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
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Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.