“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner


Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.


If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos


her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one


Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”


Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?


I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.


Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.