@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

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@AlanFelyk

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

@HatfieldAnne

Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.

@dreamthievin

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

@ClichedOut

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

@AristotlesNZ

Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”

@hazelmotes1

Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?

@Marlebean

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

@3sunzzz

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.