Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
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Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
All is fair in drunk and war.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.