Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

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its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor


[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]


The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.


An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.


My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix


Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.


cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55


I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.


[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?


y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses