its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
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[hand reaches out]
“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses