Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

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1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit


I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out


If I was a villain, my weapon would be a fan and a bag of eyelashes for blinding superheroes

I’m a villain, don’t ask how I get my weapons


It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.


I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.


I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.


Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let’s be realistic lol


[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples


[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?


Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?