Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
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Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!