Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
*puts cutlery down*
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Every damn time
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.